i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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