he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
