i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
