I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i think my cat just said my name.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
