whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Acid is not a monday night drug
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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