If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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