I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
