Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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