There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
