i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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