Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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