Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
