my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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