Got a toothbrush?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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