I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
