How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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