i think my tv is drunk
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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