It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
