Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
