When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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