What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet