I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive