woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
