It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
