You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
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It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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