Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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