so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
