my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just googled if crying burns calories
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
