Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
