everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Randomize
