No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
