I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
