I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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