gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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