he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
