Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
