I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
