There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
