i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
