So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
