I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
