I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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