Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
