I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Every concussion has its silver lining
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
