One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
