I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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