I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
