i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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