just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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