Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
