first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
