you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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