Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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