just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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