I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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