Swine flu. Run for my life!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
