My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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