So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
